Duration: 27^th August to 1^st October 2011 (6 Saturdays)

Time: 9am to 1pm

Venue: Enfold Office, 18th Main Rd, Koramangala 6 Block, Bangalore, Karnataka (Next to Kerala Ayurveda Medicine)

Course content:

• Evolution of human sexuality and sexual development,
• Physiology of male and female reproductive organs (including conception, pregnancy, contraception, abortion),
• Certain aspects of male and female psychology,
• Relationships
• Sexuality in marriage, sexual myths and misconceptions,
• Answering children’s questions and communicating with teenagers on gender and sexuality issues,
• Understanding and preventing child sexual abuse,
• Understanding gender bias
• Empowerment through self awareness and building self-esteem
• How to develop Self Motivation and Self discipline in children –certain aspects of Child and Teen Psychology

Interactive sessions

Using theatre, role play, group discussions, circle time, audio-visual
and power point presentations, self assessment tools

Eligibility: Adults

Course Fees: Rs 6,000/-

To register

Contact Radha Siddhanti – 9900094251 – radha@enfoldindia.org

Proactive in Pregnancy

Yoga for pregnant women

Taught by experienced gynecologists!

Learn basics of your body’s design and ergonomics

Learn Asanas for pregnancy and easy labor

Illustrated guide helps you practice at home!

Venue: Koramangala        Fees: Rs 500/-

Date : 23^rd July, ’11       Time 9.30 – 11.30am

To register Contact on +91 9900094251

Offered By Christ University & Enfold Proactive Health Trust

Duration: 1 year - 2 semesters – Session beginning 18^st July 2011
Time: 4.15 pm -6.45 pm, Monday to Thursday
Sessions: based on practical, experiential learning 25 credits per semester.
1^st Semester: 1^8st July to Sept end, semester end evaluation in Oct 2011
2^nd Semester: 1^st Nov to March end, semester end evaluation in April 2012

Faculty: Christ University: Experts in the field of psychology
Enfold: Primarily Dr. S. Saksena, Dr Shoiba Saldanha, both Gynecologists,  Co authors  ‘On Track’,  workbooks on Life Skills and Safety for school students.
Invited faculty from NIMHANS, Counseling centers, Child development experts, child rights experts, and lawyers dealing with sexual abuse.

Course content: Life Skills – learning and facilitating sessions
Aspects of Child and Teen Psychology and psychosocial  development
Sexual development, Physiology of male and female reproductive systems (including conception, pregnancy, delivery and contraception),
Breast feeding and care of the newborn
Understanding common gynecological and male reproductive system disorders , Nutritional requirements and preventive medicine for family members  Answering children’s questions and communicating with teenagers on gender and personal safety issues.
Understanding and intervention in child sexual abuse/ sexual harassment

Eligibility: Candidates who have passed class 12 and pursuing any UnderGraduate / Post Graduate Program

Course Fees: Rs 10,000/- , Students pursuing studies at Christ university get a 20% concession

Job Opportunities:
Schools/ colleges as Life Skills educator /Sexuality educator/ counselor.
Hospitals / Nursing homes/ self employed: Pregnancy, labor, delivery and newborn care sessions, Lactation support, counselor
NGO’s and Govt:  HIV / AIDS centers, reproductive health educator
Counselor: Sexuality and reproductive health, sexual abuse counselor

For more details contact Dr Sangeeta Saksena +91 98450 20277
or Dr Shaibya Saldanha +91 98441 12391
for more information visit: www.christuniversity.in

Body Image and Self Esteem:
You have hit the nail on the head by linking obsession with body with possible low self esteem. You are right. If you read the sections above that deal with the origin of gender bias, you will immediately see why women’s bodies were considered their main attribute. A girl who happened to be born beautiful could easily find a ‘rich’ man to marry. Her life was made! Rich men too looked for ‘beautiful’ girl(s) to marry. They did not care about her brains. After all she was going to be used like a sex object, a baby making machine and a slave to do household chores. What was the use of her intellect? Better have a dumb wife who would do as she was told and not question existing practices.
Tell your daughter that the media and advertisements cater to a man’s world. They treat women like sex objects. There are two types of Bollywood actresses – one type will bare all for money, and the second type are really accomplishes actresses who do not display their bodies to earn money. Similarly there are two types of men. For one type, a woman’s body is all that matters. He is likely to have many girlfriends and extra marital affairs. Another type of man is one who values a woman for her behavior, her character, per skills and intelligences. He treats women with respect. He is likely to choose his girlfriend with care, is more likely to marry her and remain faithful. This is because while the body deteriorates with time, a person’s character improves with time. If a man worships a woman because she has long eyelashes, what is going to happen to her when the eyelashes fall off with age?

Your daughter is an adolescent and her body and mind are growing. She will spend a lot of time inspecting, caring for and worrying about her body. This is normal and natural. You could ignore this aspect and focus on her growing brain. To build her self esteem on a sense of self is better than basing it on the body. We have no control on how our body looks and grows. We did not make or choose our body. But we have a choice over our behavior. We can develop our skills and capabilities and refine our behavior. We can take pride in our actions or we can feel ashamed of what we did. This is in our control. But to take pride in one’s looks or to feel ashamed of our body is unwarranted because we did not create our body. It was given to us.

Focus on your daughter’s behavior. Appreciate her qualities. Point them out to her. Many a time we are not aware of our qualities. And it is not in our culture for parents to praise their child’s desirable qualities. We are however ever ready to point out their shortcomings. Because of this many of our children grow up with low self esteem. Look for the qualities and skills being expressed in your daughter’s behavior. Then appreciate them. Tell her. Acknowledge her. This will automatically build her self esteem.
Counter all statements that glorify the body and looks of a person as if these were personal achievements that the person had some control over! For example “You are so tall! Wow!” glorifies height as if the person can control how tall she will be! Instead say “You are so considerate! Wow!” Now that is something she can genuinely take pride in.

Pornography:
Pornography is any image that is used to arouse sexual feelings. Along with puberty comes a strong desire to find out how sex actually happens. The same child would have asked questions related to childbirth at say 3 or 4 years of age. But at that age their curiosity can be satisfied with answers like ‘Nature / God has given big people the capability to have babies” or “when adults want, they can have a baby.” “Baby grows from a cell. It grows in the womb in mummy’s abdomen’. As teenagers they want to know all the details. This is natural and normal for reasons explained above. Because we live in a society that wears clothes and has sex in private, our adolescents are left wondering. In the days before print media became common, we used drawings and sculptures on temples and other places to teach people how sex is done. Books – like Kama Sutra and later photographs were used to explain the same.

To meet the demand, the suppliers of this information soon began to compete with each other. To lure viewers, they started depicting weirder and weirder forms of sex. With electronic media it became possible to distort images to show unnatural size of body organs and improbable duration of sexual acts. Since men have higher testosterone levels (for an evolutionary reason), they have higher sexual urges than women. Most of the seekers of this information were and are men. With gender bias already entrenched in our society (see origin of gender bias above), women were exploited by this industry. They are shown as sex objects.
Pornography has addictive potential. Since watching pornography arouses sexual feelings, it feels pleasurable. The person wants to watch more and more porn. He gets bored with natural depictions of sex and moves on to view weird, unnatural stuff. Slowly he becomes addicted – meaning he is unable to stop viewing porn. His work/ academics suffers. If he is not watching porn, he is thinking about it. Next step in to act it out. He may abuse a child or his partner or visit sex workers to satisfy his curiosity and desire.

Discussing pornography with your adolescent:
With your son discuss the dangers of pornography. Just like you told him the dangers of say smoking or alcohol abuse or driving. You cannot police him 24/7. Address his curiosity. Tell him how sex happens naturally between two adults. Talk about relationships and respect for your partner.
You could say “You now have access to the internet. Whatever information you need is just a click away. But there is something you need to know. Not everything you see or read on the net is authentic or true. Always look at the source of the information. What site is it? Is the organization or individual providing the information knowledgeable? What authority do they have? Inauthentic information and falsehoods abound in porn sites. These sites show sexual activity (you can say all this to your son of 14yrs because now a days in our classes children of 4th and 5th std have given us porn site addresses!). Now sex is something natural and normal and it is Ok to be curious about how it happens at your age. Basically the male body is designed to deposit sperms as close to the egg as possible. Since we are mammals and grow our babies inside us, the egg is released inside the mother’s body, close to the womb. When sexual feelings arise, the male penis undergoes erection and becomes capable of ejaculating sperms. The male places the penis in the birth canal (or vagina) so that the sperms are deposited as close to the egg as possible – that is, at the mouth of the womb. This process is called sex. Normally it happens between two people who love and respect each other.

Porn sites however, do not depict sex like it naturally happens between couples. They distort it. They show body organs in excessive sizes and the abnormally prolong the sexual act. They also show weird sex. All these images can be disturbing and can distract you from your studies and other interests. They also do not inculcate respect for women. Porn sites exploit people who need money – and get them to act in such movies that are degrading and disrespectful.

Many adolescents get addicted to porn. Its OK to be curious about how sex happens and to look at a few pictures – but It’s certainly abnormal to spend hours upon hours watching porn. Pornography is addictive. You know you are getting addicted when you cannot switch off the movie and start some other activity – like play or study or indulge in your hobby. The porn site is controlling you – you are no longer in control. Such children/ adults need help to get over the addiction.
Sometimes when you are surfing the net, porn sites automatically come up. You can move away from the site and we can look at how to block such sites.
Sometimes an older cousin or friend might try and show you porn. He may trick you into watching it and then blackmail you – saying that he will tell us that you watched porn! If something like this happens, let us know. We trust you and will protect you.”

Discussing girlfriends/ boyfriends:
Welcome to Modern India! I was told by a teacher that in her 2nd standard class, some girls and boys have been ‘paired’ off! I guess by 14 yrs of age, every girl and boy would be ‘going steady’!
You and your husband could have an informal chat during dinner time about your growing up days. You could share about how you yourself experienced crushes and infatuations – may be on film stars or older students on school. Be authentic. If you never experienced a crush on anyone, then talk about your sister or brother who did have these feelings. Basically you have to let him know that it is natural and normal to have feelings of attraction and romance at this age.
As parents we feel that it is too early – but from nature’s point of view, it is just the right age. In the cave man days, a 14 yr old girl and boy were tall and well built enough to gather food and look after oneself. That is why nature gets our bodies ready to have babies by early teenage. Along with physical capability come emotional changes and sexual feelings.
While talking casually about your crushes, emphasize how the feeling of intense liking suddenly petered off and disappeared in a few months time! At that time you could not understand why this was happening but now you know. This happens because from 12 to 22- 24 yrs of age our brain changes and matures. We develop a sense of who we are- our identity develops. We choose our values, we set our goals. We look form friendships. This is a time for change. Our personality changes from 6th to 7th to 8th std and so on until we stabilize in our early twenties. Not only are we changing so much – you are not how you were in 5th std – our girlfriend/ boyfriend is also changing rapidly. And guess what? After a few months or a year, the new you may not like the person you had such a crush on! So while its OK to have these feelings, its not such a good idea to act on these feelings.
Explain that while all feelings are natural and normal, all actions are not acceptable. Actions have consequences. Take an action when you can be responsible for all possible consequences arising out of that action.

Homosexuality
The way to answer any question related to sexuality is the same as answering any question on say physics, chemistry or history. First find out how much the child knows by asking him what he thinks / knows about it. Then correct any misconceptions. Answer to the best of your capability, tell him as much as you know in a language he would understand. Tell him that you will refer and find out more about the question if you think you have some gaps in your knowledge.

When it comes to homosexuality, most of us have huge gaps in our knowledge. Here is how you can explain homosexuality to a 14 year old.
“ Well you have asked about homosexuality. Let’s first look at the word itself to try and understand it better. ‘Homo’ means “same’ so when sex happens between two people of the same sex we call it homosexuality. When sex happens between two persons of different sexes we call it heterosexuality because hetero means different. Obviously when sex happens between two people of the same sex there will be no babies because a baby forms only when an egg meats with a sperm.

You might find it odd that two people of the same sex are attracted to each other. Usually we find boys and girls attracted to each other. But does anyone tell the girls and boys to do so, to get these feelings? No. These feelings arise by themselves when we enter puberty and stay with us into adulthood and old age. There is a center in the brain that determines what you will feel like (I feel like a boy, or I feel like a girl) and an area in the brain that generates feelings of sexual attraction – most of us naturally get a feeling of attraction for the opposite sex. But some of us, due to mostly genetic reasons, get a natural feeling of sexual attraction towards the same sex. Just as a hetero sexual person cannot change his or her feelings, so also a homosexual person cannot change the feelings he/ she has. They may suppress it – because society does not understand or accept anything different – but the feeling remains.
And yes, homosexuality is found in India, just like it is found in all human culture, in all historical ages. Many temple carvings in Khajurao and Konark depict homosexuality. Greek army in the days gone by used to prefer to employ homosexuals. Did you know that homosexuality has been found in 1300 different animal species? It is not a result of permissive culture or perversion.”

Related to homosexuality are questions of transsexuals or transgender people. As I mentioned earlier, a center in the brain determines your sexual identity – what you feel like inside – whether you feel you are a girl or a boy. That feeling usually matches with the body we have, but sometimes, again due to genetic or some other factors, the feeling does not match the body. A healthy normal looking boy may feel he is girl. Or a normal healthy looking girl may feel that she is a boy. These feelings arise naturally and cannot be changed. A transgender person, if he/ she feels very strongly about it, may undergo surgery to change his/ her body to match the feeling inside. A complete surgery would be called a sex change operation. Again society does not accept transgender people. Any teenage boy or girl who begins to develop transgender or homosexual feelings is pressurized by the family to suppress his feelings or is ostracized. Many a time such teenagers run away from home and join transgender groups. They don’t get an education or decent job. We find them begging on the streets. It is sad that society treats people so badly. Transgender and homosexual people are no less intelligent or no more criminal minded than heterosexuals.
I think we need to respect people for their capabilities, skills and contributions. It is really not anyone’s business to find out who is having sex with whom or be a judge in these matters! It’s highly personal! We need not call people different from us by using some disrespectful slang word. The words we use show our own character and awareness. Lets treat people with respect and not judge people over something they have no control anyway!”

A normal curiosity is about how homosexuals have sex. This is more tricky to answer if you have never mentioned the words penis or vagina or anus in front of your teenager. You may refer to a book with illustrations of the human body to explain any questions on this. You can explain that touching the genital area feels pleasant and that is how homosexual couples have sex.

Please read the section above that deals with the origin of gender bias. It becomes clear that during the agriculture age women were not valued as much as men because they were dependent on men for their survival. To control their sexuality, women were not allowed out of the house – they could not go to school or travel to distant lands to trade or participate in public affairs or governance. The scenario remained pretty dismal during the industrial age as well as most machinery needed muscular strength which men had more of (for a biological reason). We got the right to vote pretty late. But now we are in the information age and women’s brains and intellect is as sharp as men’s. So now women are able to work and earn their own living. They are no longer dependent on men.

Handling gender bias, male chauvinism in practice:
You could address this issue with your son by having a chat with him. Explain to him that we live together – and all of us have to work and contribute to the smooth running of the house. He needs to learn how to take care of himself and the older generation. He is required to do certain jobs around the house. Spell out his duties. Tell him that if he thinks it is not his job because he is a boy, then by that token you, a woman should not be going out to work either. This would result in reduced available finances in the house. May be you will have to change his school – send him to a government run school, may be buy unbranded clothes and not go out to eat or watch movies etc (frighten him! Have some fun!). Tell him that he can’t have his cake and eat it too! He can’t enjoy the benefits of extra money coming from a working mom and at the same time harp on traditional gender roles.
Explain to him that in the days gone by, a 14 yr old would be married and have children (Gandhiji was married at 13)! He/she would be working in the fields or in the family business to earn money. He should be thankful that he is being looked after by his parents and he does not have to work for a living (there are many children who so not have this luxury – either because of poverty or because they are living in countries where teenagers are expected to pitch in!). He should at the very least contribute by doing house hold chores!
You could also talk about taking pride in doing your own work. In India we look down on physical labour. Explain that men have more muscles than women. They can do more physical work! Turn gender bias upside down!

Explaining sex and reproduction to young adolescents.

Millions of year ago a cell appeared in the water near a beach – it could have been muddy – no one knows for sure but it was certainly wet. The cell had an amazing capability – it could re – produce itself! It was alive! Life embraced Earth and soon spread and began growing in every nook and cranny of Mother Earth. The cell became more and more complex to survive and reproduce in every possible environmental niche. In the sea it became fish, urchins and whales. On land it became  ants and elephants. In the sky flew insects and eagles. Some organisms continued to reproduce by splitting into two – like yeast and amoeba. Most others split into male and female bodies permanently and came together to reproduce. In between are organism like the earthworm and fluke that house the male and female organs of reproduction in the same individual body.

Most fish and frogs grow their babies outside the body. Birds lay eggs that hatch in nests. We are mammals and we grow our babies inside us. Our babies drink milk after birth as they do not have teeth or the capacity to digest solid food.

Our bodies are made up of cells. Each cell contains chromosomes – that is packets of DNA – that tell the cell what to make and how. Some cells make a heart, some a brain and some make a womb. Human cells have 46 chromosomes, 23 come from the mother and 23 from the father. All cells in the body have 46 chromosomes. However, in order to make babies, there is a special area in the mother’s body called Ovary that makes special cells called ovum that have only 23 chromosomes. In the father’s body there is a special area called testis that makes special cells called sperms that contain only 23 chromosomes. When the ovum and the sperm meet, a baby begins to form.

Men and women’s bodies are designed so this can happen. The baby can grow in only one body. The body that grows the baby is called female (woman). Our bodies are symmetrical. Women have two ovaries, one on either side in our lower abdomen. One ovum is released from any one ovary every 28 days. It is picked up by a tubular structure and brought towards the womb (a special place where the baby can grow). If the woman has sex – that is to say she gets very close to a man so that the man can deposit the sperms inside her body – then a baby can form and grow in the womb. It grows for 9 months and is delivered or born through a passage called the birth canal. This birth canal is placed between the urine and stools passage. It stretches to let the baby out. The man deposits the sperms through the penis in this same passage during sex.

Male body is designed so that the testis can stay a little cooler as it makes millions of sperms at a time. This is done by placing the testes in a sac called scrotum. You would have seen this in small boys who play naked sometimes. The urinary passage is elongated in boys so that it can be used to deposit sperms when they grown up. This organ is called penis. Nature is prudent and uses the same organ to do many things – like our tongue –it is used to speak, lick, taste and swallow!

When there is no sex, the ovum that is released in the woman’s body dies after 24 hours. It disintegrates and is reasorbed by the body. The lining of the womb which would have shielded and nourished the baby is also shed –but after 14 days. This comes out as menstruation – it has blood cells, fluid and lining cells of the womb.

When boys mature, around 12- 14 yrs of age, sperm production begins. The sperms are released from the body through the penis in a whitish fluid called semen. Semen comes out only when the male is having sexual desire. The penis changes its shape and size so that sperms can be deposited close to the womb, in the birth canal of the woman. Boys younger than 12 also experience this change in the penis, it is called erection. But semen comes out only when the body has reached a certain level of growth and development.

Your question is interesting. You have asked about two different issues – one about observing traditional ceremonies related to menstruation and the other regarding blaming the girl if something – meaning sexual harassment – happens. Both are related to girls and can be traced to 10,000 years old gender bias.

Before I talk about how you can address this issue with your in laws and with your daughter, I would like to give a short background about the origin of gender bias.
Origin of Gender Bias:
Before we, the modern humans adopted agriculture 10,000 yrs ago, we used to live in the jungle as cave dwellers. Women gathered food, caught small animals and ate insects to meet their requirements of vitamins. Men did the same and also hunted larger animals. Women were valued as they miraculously produced babies! They did not understand the link between sex and reproduction until after agriculture was established and domestication of animals began (animal planet running 24/7!).
With agriculture began individual ownership of land. Though we still lived in groups, we could now have our own individual piece of land on which we grew our food. But who owned this land? Men. Men are endowed with more muscle and height for a different biological reason, but they used this strength to stake claim to land ownership.
Strongest man got the biggest piece of most fertile land and so on. Women were left out. They had to ‘marry’ a man to access food and associated resources. It is said that women were the first slaves. The men wanted their land to go to their children – so they started controlling women’s sexuality. A bride had to be virgin and the wife had to be faithful to the husband at all times. There were no such injunctions on a man’s sexuality. Women had to abide by these rules or literally perish. Marry to survive became the motto. This is how virginity came to be valued. If a woman or girl was sexually assaulted, the crime was kept hidden, the criminal went scot free, emboldened to assault yet another woman – because if the crime was brought to light, who would marry the girl? She was no longer a virgin! But someone had to be blamed – why not blame the girl? So now we have the only crime where the victim is blamed for the criminal’s deed.
A woman’s fertility became her most important accomplishment. This was not in her control. She was born the way she was. Her skills, intelligences and qualities, which she could develop, were not valued. Women’s bodies, rather than their Self, became the focus of attention.

This is the reason the onset of menstruation which heralds a woman’s fertility, is celebrated and made public by a ‘religious’ ceremony. The idea is to tell the whole wide world that this girl can now bear children – she is marriageable material! Her embarrassment is of no concern to anyone. All they want is to get her married somehow. Giving dowry is an offshoot of the same gender bias.

Handling gender bias in practice:
How can you address your in laws? Before speaking to your in laws, enroll your husband into your point of view. How about telling them that if they want to offer thanks to the almighty Mother Nature for having made your daughter’s body whole and complete, then you are more than willing to take your daughter and them to any temple of their choice and offer prayers/ money/ offerings etc ( after her periods are over?!). If they want to have a ceremony at home, it would not be advertised as your daughter’s menarche but it could be a general homam where in you pray for the long and happy life of all your children. If she is your only daughter, how about doing it on her birthday? In any case assert that the ceremony will not be done to coincide with her menarche as that goes against your value system.

Your in-laws were free to do as they wished for their daughter. Now it is your turn to live by your principles. Explain to your in laws that you would like your daughter to develop a sense of Self that goes beyond the body she has been gifted. Menstruation is indicative of yet another bodily function over which we have no control. It’s akin to celebrating a baby’s first susu or potty! Tell them that celebrating menarche is like celebrating a gift one got from someone and not a creation of one’s own. Explain that you would like to celebrate your daughter’s accomplishments – like her skills in academics, athletics, arts, crafts, music etc. Assert your values. Share your beliefs with them. Tell them that you are thankful to God for having given you normal, healthy children. But you do not want to make a public display of their body’s functions! Your daughter has a right to decency and privacy.
Ask your in laws why a boy’s first ejaculation of semen is not celebrated. If religious functions are there to celebrate something like this, then there should be one for boys as well!